Signs your getting old?
Out of context: Reply #1879
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- Morning_star22
Sunday morning, i'm full of fresh, hopeful spring vibes. I eat a couple of 'those' gummies and head to the enormous Sainsbury's up Oldbury to do a big shop. I park, i get a trolley, i register a scanner with my Nectar. Airpods in, sweet tunes on and away I go.
The aisles of paralysing choice are colourful today and my soundtrack puts a groove into my steps. There's a certain glorious youthful euphoria baked into what happened next. Whilst choosing still-warm, aromatic fresh breads I catch the eye of an elegant sun-dressed gentlewoman doing the same. We smile and share the frisson. Intimate. We catch each other’s gaze at the cheeses and again across cabbages and leeks.
Distracting daydreams of our impossibly perfect life on the shores of an Italian lake meant the cat didn’t eat and we’ve still got no tin foil. Our accidental odyssey ends as she heads towards the fast fashion. I don’t. The gamble of the self scan till falls in my favour, no checks, sweet. I emerge, free into the sunlight pushing my loaded chariot as I wistfully reminisce about the possibilities of our unspoken connection across the vegetable aisle.
I pull up at the back of my car and press the key to open the boot. Simultaneously, the door doesn't open and I wither at the sight of a deep, violent scratch down the side of my car. All four panels look like I fucked Wolverine’s mum and sister and he found out. I look about for some sign of the soon-to-be dead vehicle assailant with no luck. I exclaim loudly “Which motherfucker did this?” as I’m attempting to rub out the scratch and crush the key fob in an attempt to get the back door open.
The scratch is like Cheddar Gorge and the fob isn’t fucking working. I’m confused as to how this trench of a scuff has managed to affect the electronics. And then I hear, from behind me, quite abruptly and aggressively, “Can I help you”. I turn and see what could only be described as blustering gammon walking towards me. At pace.
Again, “CAN. I. HELP.” I’m very confused and reply whilst pointing, “I don’t think so, unless you did this”. And the aging, Greggs hooligan spits “Yes I fucking did. PROBLEM?”. His piggy eyes stare. I don’t know what’s going on. I look around for a clue or weapon whilst spluttering “My keys don’t work”.
He’s two foot in front of me and he laughs in my face. I can see the hairs up his nose as his laughter distorts his fat, red face. I manage half a “...why?” as I’m frantically pressing the key-fob button. His hand reaches out. I think ‘this guy’s got some fucking stones for a cunt with undeniably high blood pressure’ and he grabs my shoulder. My hands form fists, I tense.
He’s wheezing and guffawing like a braying mule. Unable to speak, the gammon points and turns me towards his scratched car’s twin, two parking spaces away with its boot open and lights flashing. A meek “Oh” escapes me . He pats me on the back as I trundle the twenty feet to my unblemished ride.
- Haha that’s nuts. Teach you to get high and go out in the world ! ;)mort_
- lmao ... I’ve actually opened someone else’s unlocked car and got halfway in thinking it was mine. Oooooops.Ramanisky2
- hehe, pretty good sport and story :-)PhanLo
- flol excellent read! Damn, though, your guy truly was a good sport.Continuity
- Another excellent writing submission for the prestigious, best written post of the year on QBN.stoplying
- Give Morning_star all the awardsRamanisky2
- Beautiful!Nairn
- I've read this like five times now.
Thanks.Nairn - "All four panels look like I fucked Wolverine’s mum and sister and he found out."
You are fantastic @Morning_star!ideaist - Nice read. It was heading towards a 'Don't F with another man's vehicle'. +1 for plot twist happy ending.hotroddy
- FLOLgarbage
- so did you get laid in the end?autoflavour
- you should write a book.milfhunter
- Great read. What a Sunday that must have been.pseud
- NGL...I thought the car was going to belong to the woman from the store.stoplying
- two Bentayga's in the same lot?timeless
- Are you secretly Catpower?CyBrainX